Normally, I take this time once a week to tear down a specific Twitter account. Hell, we even took on a whole city once. But this week is different, friends. I’m just so done with everything. This week, I propose we all just delete our Twitter accounts. “But why, dear Blogger?!” you cry. Kids, the system is broken and I don’t think it can ever be fixed.
Let’s take a look at the Trending Topics in Los Angeles (home of The Jeselnik Offensive!) and see why.
Matt Damon - It was announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. But why is Matt Damon trending? Because everyone is making the same stupid joke about Matt Damon playing Robin. You can see that Ben Affleck is also trending, but further down the list. So, the lame joke is getting more attention than the actual story. I hate all of you.
The World’s End - I’m sure this is a funny movie. But Anthony Jeselnik isn’t in it, so I have no idea why any of you would want to watch it.
You’re Next - This is a movie about a family that gets murdered or something and I’m sure it’s also hilarious. But I cannot stress enough that I will not watch anything that does not star Anthony Jeselnik. I have made a commitment to excellence.
#DelbertBelton - A WWII vet has died after he was beaten to death in a parking lot by two teenagers. This is a horrible tragedy, but what’s even worse is that this story is trending. Why is that? Because rather than do anything REAL about the way veterans are treated in this country, or with any social cause really, people feel that dedicating a status or an update is enough to “do their part.” The way that we treat veterans in this country is a joke, but you tweeted about it while sitting on the toilet, so your hands are clean! Congrats, America.
Kobe- Mark my words, Kobe Bryant WILL recover from his Achilles injury quickly enough play in the first game of the regular season. I swear on A-Rod’s urine test.
Fort Hood - The Fort Hood shooter was found guilty on all counts. You get a free pass on this because it’s an actual news story. The fact that it showed up on my Trending Topics is probably a fluke and it will disappear by the time I hit “publish.”
North West - Kanye West’s daughter was finally revealed to the world today and she looks like she’s reaching for help, which exactly sums up my feelings any time I look at my timeline.
Elissa- I don’t know who this is and frankly, looking at the trending topics above, I don’t want to find out.
Clearly, we can’t trust ourselves with a huge responsibility like social media. Twitter was a noble experiment that went horribly, horribly wrong. End the struggle. End the stupidity. Unfollow everyone, including yourselves. If anything, the only reason you should even have a Twitter account is to follow this guy.